What does it mean to awaken? I feel like I have been in a semi-conscious state since I had my first baby eight years ago.
This is the first time in eight years that I have a three year old and am not pregnant or breastfeeding. It’s a strange feeling of a a slow awakening from a very chaotic hibernation fueled with hormonal highs and lows. With this slow awakening I am finding myself with some new beliefs about certain aspects of my life. It seems like it’s more than a sleep-deprived awakening. It seems like more of an awakening that comes from abundance rather than lack. It feels like an awakening of my spirit.
I still haven’t had a full nights sleep. I see with the same eyes but the view has changed. The fog is clearing. In the same way that the conception and birth of your first child coincides with the birth of the mother, I feel like there is a shift happening within my psyche with this new life transition. Within this transition, I know that the following three statements will take up more space in my life:
The first is an understanding of the restlessness of the rational mind. I’ve come to realise that your mind is NOT you. Your mind is NOT your spirit and it is NOT your inner voice. Your mind has multiple voices – thoughts, beliefs, attitudes. Many of them are products of social and cultural conditioning. Many were formed in childhood and continue to exist in order to protect you from pain. There are times when you need to analyse your mind and your thoughts. The more time I make to meditate, the more I see how the restless, rational mind gets in the way of personal and spiritual growth. Reflecting on my birthing and parenting experience I have learned the importance of silencing your mind and surrendering to your body and to your instincts or primordial knowing – your wild woman.
The second is an appreciation for the strength of the heart. My heart (or spirit/ energy/ essence / wild woman), since having children, has expanded without measure and continues to expand in ways which I could never have imagined with each child and with each year. With each break and with each time it is mended. It just expands. Now, as I learn how to better tame my rational mind, I create space for my inner needs and my hearts desires. These are the things in life that fuel me. The things in life that make me feel up-levelled. Developing and prioritising my heart means that I can connect with the version of me that I want to be while I create space to nurture that woman I am right now.
The third is the significance of time. Time is a construction and it is subjective. I know this sounds crazy but stay with me. There are cultural differences in the way we perceive time. There are also generational differences. Time was slower, now its faster. Some people are always early, some are late. We all have unconscious patterns through which we journey through time. Before I had kids I needed an eight hour work day to get the job done – now I need two hours while my baby naps to get the same job done. The significance of time is something I’m delving into with my research but what I know at this point, in my awakening from the first seven years of motherhood is that the time it takes to create a miracle is only the amount of time my mind can perceive it to be (mind blown!)
With the new transition and the new vision I am creating, I am aware that there’s a part of me that needs to die, like when you are born a mother and your maiden self dies. That is OK with me. Because I know that with the death of one part of me I can make space to welcome a new form of myself and a brand new adventure through life.
love, Leila A
